SPANKOZ HUMOUR 

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Some spanking ( and other ) humour to make your day !

( We do not mean to be offensive , so if it goes the wrong way , use your " Back " button ! )

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Since 1 January , 2000
( Do not use anything from Michael's Mathematical Machines . )

We welcome your contributions of short pithy spanking and other related humour to :

Humour@spankoz.com 

(  There is a special  " Do Not Give Up Your Day Job " Award offered , this was not awarded for the suggestion to change the title of this page to " Gallows Humour " ) .

VIDEO               VIDEO

THE SPANKOZ SPANKING CALCULATOR  

Try Flanders Buttocks Ointment - clears up rash overnight !

Like to try some other form of light relief ?

CLICK HERE

2006 WORLD CUP

" Send in Oz SAS and shoot the bastard's guide dog ! " 
( A viewer's comment after a poor refereeing decision in the Soccer World Cup - Italy / Australia , Kaiserslautern , 26 June , 2006 . Well , we hope he was joking . )

There was a man at Game where OZ WAS ROBBED with an empty seat beside him . The person beside asked why this was so . He replied that it was for his wife , who had recently passed away . They had been to every Cup since they married . The man then asked why he could not find a friend to use the seat . " They are all at the funeral . "

Rawhide is what you get after a severe spanking .

A lady candidate for the Mayors office told him : "After all you are only keeping the seat warm for me" . His reply , " Madam I shall be happy to warm your seat on any occasion " .

We were so poor that we could not afford
eyewash , so if we got something in our eye , we were spanked until it was was washed away .

" Balmain Boys Don't Cry ! "....... Oh yes they do , Madame X  ( name withheld ) .

A cartoon had a youngster across his mothers lap with the caption  " Spock " .

Another cartoon had a girl across Santa's knee with the store manager explaining to the concerned mother that " Santa was free to do as he liked on his break " .

A new Prime Minister was asked " I take it that before choosing your Cabinet you will consult the powerful interests that control you ? " , His reply  " Yes , but please keep my wife's name out of this " .

The U.S. Army Engineer Waterways Experiment Station (WES) is the principal Research, Testing, and Development facility of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. Part of the U.S. Department of Defense (DoD) Laboratory System, its mission is to

conceive.

Found at: http://www.wes.army.mil/Welcome.html

There was a young boy who'd been bad
And deserved to be spanked by his Dad.
His mum said, "Your dad'll
tan you with a paddle,"
And Sonny said, "Frankly, I'm glad."

From a " victim " of the 1950's school system :

" Our's is not to reason why , our's is but to bend and cry ."

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school . One day he  tapped his young teacher on her on the shoulder and said ...

" I don't want to scare you , but my daddy says if I don't get better grades .... somebody is going to get a spanking .... "

The mosquito that makes the most noise gets smacked first !

An Australian man's idea of foreplay - " Are you awake, dear ? "

When I asked for my wife's hand in marriage , I did not expect that it would be most often given to my nether regions and generally there would be a  hairbrush in it !

  Why , when I ask for a hand from my husband , does he always first offer it to my bottom ?

Choose your words carefully when you offer your seat to a women in public !

Remember that it is better to give than to receive .... Madam X .

" Marriage Guidance " ... spank first and ask questions later ?

One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning her room, and she found an S&M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying and stressing trying to think of how to handle the situation.

Finally her husband came home from work and he asked her how her day was. The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation.

Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess a spanking is out of the question."

Is spanking a cure for hiccups - please let us know 
( all photos returned ) .

When a genie was released from her bottle on a Sydney beach , she gave one wish . The man asked to go to the U.S. and added that he could only travel by road . The genie thought and replied that to build a road from Australia to America was beyond her powers and asked if he had a second choice . He asked if he could be given the power to understand women . She  thought again and said  " will that be 2 lanes or 4 " .

Some years ago , the President of an Ivy League University finally talked to a poorly dressed couple that had been waiting several days to see him . They explained that they wished to make a donation in the name of their son who had been killed in the second year of his scholarship . The President took them to a window and pointed to each building , saying what each cost and suggested that it would not be possible to name a building after their son . The husband called his wife to go saying that if that was all it cost to build a university then they would build their own . Their son's name was Stanford .

Someone ( in our Survey ) said they liked this page .

Sometime we will work out a way to make money out of this page . ( Suggestions appreciated ! )

I am spanked when I am naughty but why when I have been good ? .... oh dear !

A Doctor was bemused to see a nurse chasing one of his patients with a bowl of hot water . The
nurse , who had a history of getting instructions back to front , had been told to prick his boil .

SOME PEOPLE HAVE A CHURCH WEDDING BECAUSE THEY GET TO GO DOWN THE AISLE TO AN ALTER AND WED THEIR INTENDED . AFTERWARDS , THEY START TO THINK " NOW I'LL ALTER HIM  ( HER ) " ! ( WE ALL KNOW THE ONLY ALTERATION REQUIRED IS TO THE COLOUR OF THE BOTTOM OF THOSE HOLDING THESE IDEAS ! )

AT A RECENT SPANKOZ PARTY THE FOLLOWING QUESTION WAS ASKED , "  HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS IN THE MORNING ? , SUNNYSIDE UP , SUNNYSIDE DOWN OR FERTILISED ? " , THE RESULTING SPANKING WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE EVENING . AT ANOTHER FUNCTION HE REFERRED TO HIS GIRLFRIEND AS A " VAGINAL SUPPORT SYSTEM " - WHICH SHE HAPPENED TO OVERHEAR , SAME RESULT AS WITH THE PARTY . OUR LUCKLESS PARTY GOER HAS ALSO  USED  " ARE YOU PREGNANT - DO YOU WANT TO
BE "  AND  " ARE YOU TOO BUSY TO HAVE AN ORGASM "  AGAIN WITH THE SAME RESULTS . WE ARE BEGINNING TO SUSPECT THAT HE   IS ENJOYING THESE ENCOUNTERS .

" At Work " - please , anybody , do you have a copy of this picture ?

HIS LATEST INPUT ( PARTY 30 OCT ) - WHAT DO YOU CALL 7 JUMBO LOADS OF SOUTH AFRICAN RUGBY FANS ? - LOSERS .

P.S.     HE HAS SINCE BEEN SEEN ON A MOTORCYCLE WITH :

" IF YOU CAN READ THIS , THE BITCH HAS FALLEN OFF . "

ON HIS BACK .

NO , A PALM PILOT IS NOT A NEW  NAVIGATIONAL AID  FOR SPANKING !

SOME SCHOOL HUMOUR

BOY: Please sir, would you cane a boy for something he hadn't done?

TEACHER: Of course not!

BOY: Oh good - 'cos I haven't done my homework.



Q: What is dangerous and sits in the corner of the room?

A: The teacher's cane


Q: How did the boy feel after being caned?

A: Absolutely whacked out


Q: Why did the boy like to receive the cane?

A: So he could feed his pet panda


Film about a schoolboy rebellion: The Cane Mutiny

TV programme for strict schoolmasters: Whacker's World



'I believe in getting to the bottom of things,' said the headmaster as he caned a disobedient boy.


Q: Why do teachers sometimes use a bamboo cane to punish boys?

A: Because when the cane goes 'bam' the boy goes 'boo'.


SCOTTISH SCHOOLBOY: 'I'm not looking forward to going into Mr Macgregor's class. My father says he's a
great big strapping man.'

SOME BOOK TITLES

Discipline ---- I Floghem

Caning Techniques ---- Ben Dover

Why I Got Whacked ---- Nick N Apple

Up for the Cane ---- C Lee Boy

School Discipline ---- Ivor Cane

Instruments of Punishment --- Rod N Birch .

A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered that the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and clicking "send" .

THE SPANKOZ LEXICON

( Suggestions also appreciated )

( Codeword(s) --- Translation )

" I'm going to spank you " -- " I'm going to spank you "

" I'm going to spank you very hard " -- " you are going to cry "

" This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you " -- " I can't find the hairbrush "

" I'm going to teach you how to behave in public "-- " I  am going to pull your pants down "

A " Spanking Breeze " -- A sailors justification for spanking you when the wind starts to blow

JUST IN CASE YOU WONDERED WHY WE DO NOT HAVE PIZZA DELIVERED TO SPANKOZ PARTIES :

Just a few ideas for next time you order a pizza....have fun!!

1.        If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering .  Ask the person taking the order stop doing that .

2.        Make up a charge-card name . Ask if they accept it .

3.        Use CB lingo where applicable .

4.        Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal .

5.        Terminate the call with , `"Remember, we never had this conversation .''

6.        Answer their questions with questions .

7.        In your breathiest voice , tell them to cut the crap about nutrition , and ask for something sinful .

8.        Tell them to put the crust on top this time .

9.         Ask what the order taker is wearing .

10.       Say hello , act stunned for five seconds , then behave as if they called you .

11.       Rattle off your order with a determined air . If they ask if you would like drinks with that , panic and become disoriented .

12.     Tell the order taker you're depressed . Get him/her to cheer you up .

13.       Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate . Ask if they need paper .

14.       Act like you know the order taker from somewhere . Say , " Bed-Wetters' Camp , right ? ''

15.       If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right , say, " OK . That'll be $ 19.99 ; please pull up to the first window . ''

16.       Ask if you get to keep the pizza box . When they say yes , heave a sigh of relief .

17.       Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak . When the call ends , jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs .

18.       Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is , in fact , dead.

19.       Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him / her .

20.       Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back .

21.       Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza .

22.       Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself , and say , " Where was I ? Who are you ? ''

23.       Ask what their phone number is . Hang up , call them , and ask again .

24.       Act like you're ringing the police . Report a petty theft .

25.       If he/she suggests anything , adamantly declare , `" I shall not be swayed by your sweet words . ''

26.       Start the conversation with `" My Call to ( Pizza Place ) , Take 1, and......action ! " '

27.       Be vague in your order .

28.       When they repeat your order , say , `" Again , with a little more OOMPH this time . ''

29.       Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying , " This may be my last entry . ''

30.       State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get .

31.      Ask if they're familiar with the term `" spanking a pizza '' . Make up a description to go with the term . Ask that this be done to your pizza . ( no , we do not need suggestions ! )

32.      Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica . Stop talking at regular intervals to play it .

33.      Make the first topping you order mushrooms . Make the last thing you say , " No mushrooms , please ''. Hang up before they have a chance to respond .

34.      Haggle .

35.      Order a one-inch pizza .

36.      Dance all around the word `
" pizza ''.  Avoid saying it at all costs . If he / she says it , say , `" Please don't              mention that word ''.

37.      Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background . Yell `"OW!'' when a bullet is fired .

38.      If he / she suggests a side order , ask why he / she is punishing you .

39.      Order a steamed pizza .

        40.      Ask if they have had their spanking 
        this week .

If the order taker gets too annoyed, pout and complain , "The last guy / girl let me do it . ''  

Mistress Omega & Mistress Nicole show Bart the pizza delivery boy the true meaning of service with a smile !

...... " Pizza Boy "

What men say and what they REALLY mean.

I don't need to read the instructions...
REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

I missed you...
REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

I brought you a present...
REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the hockey game."

I heard you...
REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that
I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

I DO help around the house!..
REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.
REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

It's a guy thing...
REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

I can't find it...
REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

It's really a good movie...
REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."

AND THE WAR CONTINUES :

Relationships:

Sex:

Maturity:

Magazines

Handwriting:

Comedy:

Bathrooms:

Groceries:

Shoes:

Going Out:

Cats:

Dressing Up:

Laundry:

Style:

Nicknames:

Eating out:

Mirrors:

The Telephone:

Directions:

Admitting Mistakes:

Plants:

Garages:

Jewelry:

Physical Properties :

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

Chemical Properties :

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses :

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests :

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards :

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
3. Should you experience itching, burning or rash, discontinue use immediately and seek medical treatment.
4.  

Physical properties :

Chemical properties :

Storage :

Uses :

Tests :

Caution :

 To further understand men you should check out . . .

Laboratory analysis of " the problem of men and women reveal " :

(1) CAT ANALYSIS:

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

(2) DOG ANALYSIS:

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a mile away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

I know I'm not going to understand women. 
I'll never understand how they can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Passenger: "Oh, miss, miss...this steak...it's such a bad steak...I can't eat this steak...I've never had such a bad steak." Flight Attendant: "I'm sorry sir, let me see if I can take care of that steak for you." 

The Flight Attendant put her coffee pot and tray on the floor, picked up the steak from the passenger's plate and proceeded to spank it while saying, "Bad steak, bad steak!" She put the steak back on the stunned passenger's plate and said, "I'm sure it will behave now, sir." Picked up her coffee pot and went on through the cabin. The bewildered passenger never said another word for the rest of the flight !

SPANKME OPERA

" LUCKLESS " from our parties now has his own page : WAYNE

Yes , there is more : 

 SPANKOZ HUMOUR II

THIS IS WHERE WE GO TO RELAX :

OUR TOWN 2

( THE WEEKLY BUNGLE )

SOME MORE HUMOUR :

DAMN , BROKE ANOTHER PADDLE

ONE STUPID TERRORIST

KAKTUZ GAME SHOW

COMPUTER ONE LINERS

TOP 10 REASONS GOD CREATED EVE

SOME MORE JOKES

- NOT OURS , BUT THEY ARE FREE !
( YOU MAY HAVE TO USE YOUR BACK BUTTON TO RETURN HERE . )

THIS PAGE WAS UPDATED  :  Monday, 21 July 2008 11:15 PM 

 Tuesday, 24 November 2009

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